more pain class notes

[sasha_feather]

For the first 5 minutes we had silent meditation. Not a bad way to begin anything!

Imagine a Venn Diagram. On one side is "Rational Mind". On the other is "Emotion Mind."

We were asked, what is emotion mind like? What does it feel like? People said, overwhelming, scary, paralyzing. Or, sometimes, opening, freeing, relieving. What does it feel like in the body?

I don't think we spent much time on rational mind. (This is *therapy* after all.)

In between Emotion Mind and Rational Mind, in the intersecting part of the Venn Diagram, is "Wise Mind". This is the balanced mind, where rationality and emotionality work together lead to right action. In this state, people are calm, at peace, in a state of "flow".

We were asked, what is wise mind like? What helps you get there? What does it feel like in the body?

The homework is to practice "Wise Mind". I don't really understand it. But! That's OK. Sometimes these things take time to sink in.
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People have mentioned in pain class that sometimes when you start doing emotional work, you don't have to keep trying really hard at it all the time-- it happens somehow in the background. Like any practice (exercise, creativity), you begin to internalize it, it becomes part of your subconscious. And then, cool things can happen unexpectedly.

It helped me more than I thought it would to summarize the work experience. In fact, writing helps me so much that I'm going to quit feeling weird about oversharing or posting too much and just keep writing and writing. OK? Ok. I have a good friend who says, "you can use your journal for whatever you want" and that is the best reminder ever.

So once I had it laid out like that, it was startling how bad the situation really had been. And in fact that's what I've been thinking subconsciously for months and months without really noticing, stuck in negativity. Shit, that was so bad, why didn't I notice? Why didn't I ask for more help, or tell anyone? Why didn't I quit sooner? And several times I referred to the fact that I had a really rough year.

Well in class we have been working on forgiveness work and "changing the channel" but, consciously, I didn't think about any of that. I just thought, uh-uh, I *didn't* have a really rough year. There were so absolutely amazing things that happened in 2008. I thought of specific memories of very good days and experiences that I had. brdgt's party on the terrace after she passed her dissertation prelims, where there was this amazing sunset over the lake, and I sat talking for hours into the evening with her and cabell and sufferingbrian. That was an amazing day. The Neko Case concert, another amazing day. Fangirling in general, and writing fanfic with bittenbird. All I did to expand my social circle and strengthen relationships. Book clubs. Writing group. All the things, in short, that I did right, and that I'm proud of, and that I would do again in a moment.

I then I realized that I was proud of how I handled myself at work, too, and that the things I did right there far, far outweighed any mistakes I made or anything that I would do differently. I kept acting like a professional. I kept showing up and doing my work to the best of my ability. I negotiated to work part-time, I took medical leave, I tried my best to work with them. I made a few mistakes like not standing up for myself enough, not communicating my needs enough, being in denial so bad that I didn't see how badly my health was being affected. (But I tried to improve my health too, by going to the doctor and pain counselor, by resting, etc.) I'm not proud of crying uncontrollably at the "quit or we'll fire you" meeting of doom (which I'm still angry about), but I see now that that was probably some variation of a panic attack. Put me in a room and berate me, I'll have a panic attack, big surprise!

This entire thought process took a couple of minutes, late at night on Sunday when I'd spent the whole day reading fanfic. I felt much better afterwards. The bad mood clouding over me for months just kinda went away. So much so that I woke up on Monday (curiously early) and wrote a fanfic in 3 and a half hours. I'd been blocked, with writing, with jobs, with everything. Emotional problems get in the way of other things. They take time, they take energy and attention. Emotional work is *real* work and healing happens on its own schedule. Sure, I would have liked this to happen more quickly (not that it's over), but I'm so grateful for the improvement. And I'm grateful for the mindfulness, for the awareness I have, which surely has come out of the class I'm taking.



This was the last class of Level II. I am signed up for Level III which starts in 2 weeks.

I think I'm closer to acceptance of my illness than I ever have been before. Not that I think I get to STAY there in happy acceptance land, I'll probably leave it tomorrow, but. I haven't been blogging as much, because I feel sort of peaceful, and sort of boring. It's nice. Also I haven't been doing much with myself other than reading RaceFail links and fanfiction, so it's not like I have a whole lot to say.

Today we did sitting meditation and walking meditation. The walking mediation involved walking VERY slowly in a circle for 5 minutes, like a processional. It was not for everyone as some people have limited mobility. But I like the idea of a moving meditation. Walking has always been calming for me.

We learned a bit about Emotional Freedom Technique as a tool for reducing anxiety. It involves tapping on acupressure points and repeating self-affirming statements to yourself, such as, "Even though _____, I completely love and accept myself."

People talked a bit about Emotion Mind and Wise Mind again, and thought about situations that could trigger them into Emotion Mind. A couple of people mentioned doctors and meds as examples. Right now I'm thinking, holy shit, I have to talk to the Vice Dean tomorrow on the phone about Evol Former Boss!! I completely love and accept myself! *screams*

We always do longer guided meditations at the class. The first and last ones worked best for me (meaning 1st class and last class). I like ones that have nature imagery as opposed to buildings/rooms/staircases. This one involved a path in the woods and a "wise person". This particular one was so powerful for me that I don't even want to write about it in this blog. (Unusual, that!)

These classes have been *so* valuable for me and other people in class said the same. Two women said, "I tell my friends, 'in pain class we say,' using the authority of the class to make a point." Hahah, I do this too!