"compulsory femininity"

[sasha_feather]

I sat down to read a comic called The Story of my Tits and I stopped because I started to feel anxious, and have a lot of fast thoughts. How strange.



I thought I'd gotten over a lot of my femme-phobia; after all I like dressing up low-femme sometimes, what you might call tomboy femme. And maybe I have. Maybe what I'm reacting to is, more what we might call compulsory femininity. I read a post on Tumblr about this, which of course I can't find now because I don't know how to use Tumblr. The idea that people who cut your hair won't cut it as short as you want it. When people-- other women-- police your foot wear (which is also ableist). When you're required to look and dress in a feminine way for interviews, banquets, etc. When not shaving your body hair is somehow a big damn deal and you have to endlessly discuss it.

One place I feel this acutely is shopping for underwear. In the store the section is called "intimate apparel" which makes me feel like I want to burn down the store. My underwear is functional. It's underwear. (Do men have "intimate apparel"? Maybe some do.) I don't want lace on my bras. I just want a plain goddamn black bra that fits properly (and I have big boobs which generally means fewer choices).

I don't like how adult femininity is so closely associated with (heterosexual) sex; that is probably the real issue I'm getting at.

Comments

[longwhitecoats]

Oh my god, I feel this feel so much. Maybe I especially have trouble with the boob stuff (lace on bras, "sexy" bras, "push up" bras...) because I also have a lot of gq feels which I'm starting to identify, but even outside of that, the compulsory femininity thing is just so angrifying. Solidarity.

[sasha_feather]

*fist bump*

[lilysea]

Am also not a fan of compulsory femininity.

I get very cranky when hairdressers say to me "Are you sure you want your hair THAT short." Yes I do, if it's longer, it hurts my hands too much to wash it.

I don't want to have lace on my undies because it itches/irritates skin. I don't want polyester satin-look undies, I want eczema friendly no-frills bamboo or cotton.

A female friend of mine has recently started buying undies from the men's section in target, because it seems to be the only way to get eczema-friendly plus-size cotton undies without paying $$. (The women's plus sized undies have bare elastic touching the skin, the men's plus sized undies don't).

I'm thinking about doing the same.

[sasha_feather]

You're absolutely right that there is a bunch of overlap between ableism and compulsory femininity.

[jesse_the_k]

The kyriarchy has firm rules about what rabble bodies should be. It's body-policing all the way down.

[cereus]

Oh man, I feel you on the "non-scratchy" underwear issue. >.< They need to make a lot more of it. Given that it tends to go very sensitive places, that should be a main priority.

It would also be reallly good if they made some underwear that was both "hot" and comfortable. Cotton, but in black, red, purple, etc. maybe? Not *all* the underwear, some can have fun patterns - but at least *some*?

Appropriate icon!

[brainwane]

The idea that people who cut your hair won't cut it as short as you want it.

I go to a barber now because I know they will cut my hair as short as I want including shaving it entirely the hell off whenever I decide to do that. And women-centric hairdressing shops would try to, like, negotiate me away from my stance. (A 2005 newspaper column I wrote on this topic.)

You are not the only one experiencing friction when the reclaiming of intentional, choiceful femininity bumps up against common compulsory femininity-type stimuli and scars (see the comment thread). It's tough.

Re: Appropriate icon!

[sasha_feather]

Thanks for these!

[amadi]

I'm kind of on the flip side, because I would love my presentation to be read as very feminine, despite its connection to heterosexuality because I want to confound that connection. But the intersection of Blackness/fatness/disability means that it can't be, because the first two require that I go the extra mile just to be in the vague neighborhood, and the latter means that I can't, because the shoes and the bras and the skirts are a problem. (I can wear skirts but they look wrong with the shoes I can wear.)

I often wonder how much better things would be across the board if masculinity and femininity didn't exist as ideas or paradigms we're meant to fit into, or are jammed into, at all, if we could just be.

[sasha_feather]

yeah <3

[izzy]

I've seen that tumblr post, and I feel it so hard. I could never get my hair cut as short as I wanted it for a reasonable fee when I lived in LA. I had to search hard for deals or lay out serious cash to look how I wanted. I can't even TALK about underwear.

[sasha_feather]

I hear you <3

[kalmn]

I know. I want an underwear section. I have a few pair from LB that I like, and if they'd just make them in 20 different bright colors, I would buy them all.

I'm going to lose the bra problem Thursday after Wiscon. Which freaks me out in a different way.

[sasha_feather]

<3

[heyfoureyes]

I love wearing lacy loud-patterned bras, and extremely tomboyish underwear. But what I don't like is being objectified by society or reduced to my boobs. And I particularly don't appreciate the sense that my natural femininity isn't enough without makeup & cute shoes & high femme garments. I'm already enough without all that.

[sasha_feather]

Here's the Tumblr link

http://sashafeather.tumblr.com/post/139836747858/swanjolras-okay-i-have-been-trying-to-say-this