Horses are good company -- The Witcher

Going to hang out here and Tumblr since these are places I can keep relatively doom-free.

I have been dealing with intense stress for years now, but particularly in the last 5 months, and I have skills I've honed over that time.

I concentrate on things that fill the metaphorical pitcher. They feel good, are satisfying, are calming. These include taking photos, working on jigsaw puzzles, petting animals, caring for plants, collecting rocks and pebbles, and cleaning / de-cluttering. It also helps to connect with friends, sending photos or emojis, just some little "hi" like that, or longer interactions if possible. Anything creative, if I have the energy and can tame the anxiety: making things is one of the more satisfying experiences in life.

Where I can, I contribute to my volunteer organization, LGBT Books to Prisoners. I am not able to do much these days but I did sit on the meeting and boss people around a little bit. Doing small things to improve the situation for folks. Caretaking, service.

I pay attention to sensory joy, a term I learned from autistic bloggers. I wear clothes that are soft and comfortable. I have soft blankets and a teddy bear on my bed. Strings of "fairy lights" (not Christmas themed but what I called Christmas lights growing up). Diet Mountain Dew, I realized, is a sensory joy for me and why I drink it so much. Music is a big one. Jewelry. Beautiful artwork. Pay attention when something feels good, note it, and try to increase that feeling in your life.

I'm investing in my space to try to make it as pleasing as possible, and shout-out here to the maid service we have cleaning the house. It's been SO nice. Incredibly worthy investment, which I think notions of class and pride interfere with for many of us. For me it's about disability. Every time they come I think "there's no such thing as unskilled labor" because they are so quick and professional.

Something my friend said else-net was along the lines of "people don't want me to feel this bad." I had this thought a couple of months ago, too: If people knew how I was suffering, they would help if they could, and that motivated me to ask for help, and keep asking. I am still practicing asking for help, and contending with confusing feelings around that.

Shout-out to legal marijuana in Minnesota. I wish this for everyone who desires it. Regular use of edibles has saved me. It temporarily relieves some of my pain and anxiety, and the only side effect is some dehydration. I am overly careful with it due to my anxious nature.

Boundaries, they can be tough but are so important. Sometimes (often) I don't answer my phone. It's gonna irritate and baffle some people but that is their problem because it helps keep me sane. At the end of the day I am accountable only to myself.

Journaling has helped me in the past, and so I will try to continue with it as a practice.

Tomorrow I have an early dental appointment, so it'd be good if I could sleep, but of course it's 11:45 pm and I am full of energy!

I felt pretty good today and went for a fairly long walk at the dog park with M. and Marty. I also washed the dishes and put away my clean clothes, organized a few things in my room, and posted the playlists to wiscon_vidparty.

I'm going to try to vid (again), so I downloaded the newest version of DaVinci Resolve. The main barrier is my anxiety, so maybe if I talk and write about it, that will help. Anxiety seems to be a theme right now; if I can work on addressing that, other things may be easier to tackle.

I am feeling more mentally healthy than i have in a long while. This is because I got disability back pay. The stress of not having money (and being expected to make my own way) was enormous, and now that it is mostly gone, I keep experiencing new levels of relief and a sense of rest.

I made a couple of purchases that I've been putting off for years: 2 new bras, new Keen sandals. (the old ones were literally falling apart). I paid off my dental debt. I feel more capable of handling obstacles and problems in my life. I'm less anxious, which interestingly, makes me more capable of noticing and dealing with anxiety when it does come up, because it's not just the normal background noise.


This is what safety nets can do. I want there to be a safety net for all people, such as universal basic income. I want people's debts to be forgiven.

In the 1980s, my family had a black rotary phone that sat on the wall in the corner of the kitchen. I remember learning about 911, and how we joked that it would be faster to dial 111, as the 9 had to go all the way around the circle and back. The dial made a neat noise, sort of a rattle.

The phone had a little counter where the phone book and various papers sat, and below that, a square metal grate through which hot air came into the kitchen. This was a great place to sit: warm air on my back, a cozy little cubby, and a good view of whatever was going on in the kitchen. My mom would talk on the phone and the long spiral cord stretched out. I'd wrap a bit of the cord around my fingers.

I remember getting caller ID and using *69, which would tell you the phone number for the previous incoming call. For a little while, we had calling cards, for long-distance phone calls. I rarely if ever used a phone booth.

I don't think I ever really liked talking on the phone the way that some people do. It was fine, just a necessary task rather than a pleasure. In contrast, I took to the internet. In high school and college I made friends on Bulletin Boards, chatted with classmates on AIM (AOL instant messenger), and even made a rudimentary website for myself using HTML. The internet was so visual and colorful; absolutely mesmerizing.

I got my first cell phone in graduate school, when I spent a summer in Iowa doing research in 2004. It was a flip phone, which I loved because it looked like a Star Trek communicator. I learned to keep it on all the time and plug it in at night. I learned to leave it in the car if I went to a movie, because if I turned it off, I would forget to turn it back on. The one phone call that stands out in my memory is talking to my Dad, who had just watched the Democratic National Congress on TV, where Barack Obama spoke. "Talk about the next president!" he said.

I eventually lost my flip phone, and got one that had a keyboard. My girlfriend at the time was pleased, because now I could text her back right away. It no longer took me 5 minutes to compose a text using the number pad. This was 2010.

My last non-smart phone, also one with a sliding key board, started to fall apart from wear and tear in 2018. It permanently turned itself to vibrate-only, and the space bar key wore out. It's time to get with the future, I thought. It's time for a smart phone.

My friend got me a smart phone through a program called SafeLink. It's a free phone. I've had nothing but problems with it. A few weeks ago, I came back from the dog park and noticed something going on at the neighbor's house. My neighbor's father was having a seizure on the front step. "Please help!" she shouted. "My phone won't turn on!" I ran inside and grabbed my phone. I ran back outside and dialed 911. The call dropped. (Cell phones, they told us, were the way to go. They'd be great in emergencies!) I was able to call back, and my neighbor was able to get her phone working.

This was an anxiety-inducing event. This event, along with a few other problems, has meant my phone phobia has gotten worse and I've developed a hostile relationship to this object. I've been largely unable to make phone calls for months, which has been a real problem.

When I started a new job, I noticed that I was able to make phone calls from the desk phone. It simply feels different than using a cell phone. The cell phone disappears from my view when I hold it to my ear, so it feels like I'm talking to the air. It's the opposite of a visual experience. Talking on a cell phone in particular feels unmoored, distant, adrift; I'm a person that likes to feel grounded.

I admit I do enjoy having a pocket computer (see today's Dinosaur comics: http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=3319), for things like Google maps, but I don't enjoy having a "smart phone" because it doesn't work as a phone. I want to go back to a house phone. Perhaps this is party because I those warm memories of the heating vent and the long spiral cord, of listening to my mom talk to her friends. Of my family gently arguing over who is going to be the one to call and order food. The sturdiness of the object itself, they way you can tilt your head and hold the phone between your ear and your shoulder, if you need both your hands free.

Objects in our lives are imbued with emotion. I want some of those warm emotions around the tools I use to communicate. I have such feelings with computers. Writing to communicate-- via email or twitter or blog post-- is so easy for me that I barely have to think about it. I imagine phones are like this for other people, though admittedly it's hard to really imagine what that feels like.

(Cross-posted)

I was a random recipient of a paid account, for 2 months, which means MORE ICONS. I appreciate that people like DW enough, and are generous enough, to sponsor random paid accounts.

I am feeling less anxious lately, maybe for no reason. Could also be antibiotics making me feel better, and taking Magnesium/zinc/vit D supplements.

p.s. Hot Fuzz is on Netflix!

Semi-regular ask for assistance with paying my medical bills.

http://paypal.me/sandphin

eta:
For those who don't like paypal (understandably)
My contact info is under lock here http://sasha-feather.dreamwidth.org/784754.html