Horses are good company -- The Witcher

I’m trying to write every day despite having bad facial pain that affects everything, which in turn is probably due to poor breathing from the polar vortex cold weather. This means I’m doing most things pretty slowly, but I still want to do them.

When I was 28 I had a bizarre coming out experience. Some of you were there to read along with it, others I didn’t know yet. This experience defied description, but some words and some stories do come close, or have something in common with my experience and resonate with me. They have to do with compartmentalization, which Wikipedia defines as:

“a subconscious psychological defense mechanism used to avoid cognitive dissonance, or the mental discomfort and anxiety caused by a person's having conflicting values, cognitions, emotions, beliefs, etc. within themselves.”

For me, compartmentalization was a way to deal with having severe anxiety, and with perceiving that the world is not safe for queer people. I walled off part of myself, and could only fully access this part when my mind was ready.

Fanfic and book recs follow. Many of these I haven’t read in a long time, so I can’t provide content notes.

Numberless the Ways, and Imperceptible. LOTR, Legolas/Gimli, by Laura JV.
Text: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13680141
Podfic by exmanhater: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14226666

One has the capacity to feel things, but at the same time not perceive them. Different levels or areas of your brain are not fully communicating. Things happen in their own time. Sometimes people on the outside like friends and family, can see what is happening more clearly than the person experiencing this phenomenon.

In the YA novel Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe, by Benjamin Alire Saenz, the character Ari comes from a family that doesn’t talk about things. There are important subjects that are taboo, and there are secrets. Ari compartmentalizes his feelings about his best friend Dante. Interestingly the author also came out later in his life. (audiobook is read by Lin-Manuel Miranda).

By Any Other Name, by entangled now, Teen Wolf, Derek/Stiles
https://archiveofourown.org/works/566258
Podfic by Rhea: https://archiveofourown.org/works/589131

Amnesia fic isn’t quite the same, but shares some resonances. Namely, that the characters start the story lacking full use of their memories, and by the end (in this trope), the characters have their minds and narratives re-integrated. The amnesia can serve as dis-inhibition, or gaining a new perspective on one’s self and one’s relationship. The mind can sort of step outside of its normal pathways.

In Mirror Dance by Lois McMaster Bujold, Miles temporarily loses his memory. When he regains all of his memories, he experiences a “cascade” when they come rushing back in. This was the closest term I had to my experience of having my thoughts race, replaying and reanalyzing memories with a new lens, as I felt my brain re-align itself.

Sell Your Body to the Night, by dira sudis, Teen Wolf, Derek/Stiles
Text: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2838161
Podfic by thilia: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5145440

In this epic work, Stiles experiences a trauma and runs away to San Francisco to become a sex worker. He puts the knowledge of his trauma away and very carefully does not allow himself to think about it. He acts in ways that may seem dangerous to others, but which feel safe to him. He maintains a strict sort of control over his life, in order to protect himself from too-powerful feelings.

Compartmentalization seems to me to be a normal coping strategy in response to anxiety, to trauma, or to living in a dangerous world.

I am interested in reading more stories like these if you know of them. Podfic and audio books are especially preferred but not necessary.

Oct 10 2005
I had a lovely weekend at home. It involved a night-time chicken-catching expedition: picture Sasha crawling around on a haystack, wearing an odd assortment of warmish clothes, clutching a flashlight in one hand and prowling for sleepy chickens. We gave a few hens away to a kid who wanted some (for his birthday) to round out his flock. My weekend also involved fun digital photography, banana bread, fudge, chinese take-out, clothes-shopping with mom, and general recovery and escape. Ack, I want to move back home.

Oct 11 2006
Some of my favorite science fiction and fantasy stories deal with connections between humans and animals, notably David Brin's Uplift series, Tamora Pierce's Wild Magic, and the books I am reading right now, Robin Hobb's Assassin trilogy.

Oct 12 2007
I am writing a lot today-- it is going well. I'm having fun with my story, and I think I might be able to actually finish it at some point, maybe even this weekend.

Today's word count so far is: 1,933
Total word count for story: 5,036 (10 pages in Word) [this is before I gave up writing fiction]
Things I'm learning:

--Some days it just goes better than others, but there is no way to predict which days these will be, which is like a lot of other stuff in life.
--It's easy for me to write about horses. The visual and sensory details are all right there in my mind, they are inherently interesting to me, and it puts me in a good mood.
--I lack practice in writing. This is what I need to work on: just building up some experience and confidence. This is also very similar to a lot of other stuff in life.

Oct 10 2008, writing a long entry about my abusive job:
Still. I'm coughing now, the mouth sores came back, and I'm punchy with exhaustion. I want out. Now.

Oct 10 2009
Maybe last week? I finally changed my OK Cupid profile to say "bisexual". [I now prefer "queer"]

About 2 or 3 months ago I changed my facebook profile to say "Looking for: Friendship" only and eliminated the "interested in" portion. (This also has the nice side effect of reducing dating ads in the sidebar.)

Oct 10 2010
--I really do have a lot on my plate. I am responsible for 3 studies and helping out with a 4th. I also write and edit papers (which I enjoy). The hardest, most exhausting part is talking to people I don't know, which I have to do a lot of lately, and that will get easier with practice. I am learning new software, learning to read medical charts, asking questions constantly.
--I am very sensitive to criticism
--I was very burned by my last job
--It's still a new job. I do really enjoy it! But I'm currently putting most of my energy into the job and need to rest and do self-care a lot. I'm pretty good about leaving on time and not going in on my day off. I don't make enough money for that.

Oct 12 2011, writing about a performance
Mostly what I got out of this show came during the panel and Q and A at the end: the panelists talked about how people of color don't have the luxury of leaving behind their families or their faith when they come out, because those institutions are so necessary when navigating a white supremacist society. Communities of faith, nor queer communities, aren't going away, and interstitial, compromise spaces are needed.

Oct 9 2012
I was super anxious at work today. Sometimes I get this fear/feeling that I am bad at my job, and I am going to get reprimanded or fired or something, and it makes me not want to go to work at all--self-destructive tendencies, etc.

I guess it's a good thing I have therapy this week.

Oct 8 2013
I am happy to be working again. So far work is not very social, and I stare at a computer too much. I will have to look around for people to talk to and places to walk. I don't know why sitting at a desk is so hard on my body.

Oct 9 2014
I met a very lovely Greyhound today that I will hopefully get to adopt. She is an almost-3-year-old girl, black, a bit timid. She has a playful side that I think will come out once she settles in. were_duck came along to meet her.

Oct 11 2015

Today is unseasonably warm. I'm farm sitting. It's quiet and peaceful, perhaps a bit lonely but at least there are plenty of animals around, and also the internet.

I've been out for one year. Go me! October 11th is National Coming Out Day (link to Wikipedia), also sometimes referred to around here as International Stop Being a Jerk to Queers Day (link to ThingsWithWings).

I think everyone cool should find cool queer people to be friends with, especially if you think you might be a queer person yourself. My friends online and off have been invaluable.