Horses are good company -- The Witcher

Thank you to runpunkrun for finding this article for me! I thought it was lost for good so now I'm going to post it several places.

Selective Mutism
3 September, 2010guest post

“To choke”, used as a metaphor in performance, means to freeze up, to fail to perform, to be overcome with stage fright or other emotions and simply stop moving. To become “choked up” with emotion, a phrase familiar to many of us, means to feel emotion so strongly that it is difficult to speak. It is a feeling of the throat tightening and words stopping.

These are natural, normal phenomena that most people feel once in a while.

I have Selective mutism (link goes to Wikipedia) which I classify as a disability and also believe to be a natural and normal phenomenon, albeit a rare one, affecting an estimated 7 in 1,000 people. I am currently seeking treatment for it which has me thinking about selective mutism more than I usually do, and its impact upon my life.

Selective mutism is mostly seen in children and adolescents, and it is important to understand that it is a failure to speak, not a choice not to speak. It is not a reflection upon the child’s parents; it is a disability. The child would like to speak but cannot, in certain environments, to specific people, or about certain topics, due to extreme anxiety. This disorder can extend into adulthood, which is the case with me. I was never formally diagnosed or treated as a child.

There are specific instances from childhood and adolescence that stand out in my memory, and others that my family still talk about, that are good examples of selective mutism in my life:
I did not speak to my preschool teacher the entire year (but talked freely at home)
I did not talk to store clerks
I went to junior prom and did not talk to anyone due to anxiety
I did not talk much in church/Sunday school and did not make friends there; although I made friends freely in other venues

What I have trouble talking about now: Basically anything that is associated with a lot of emotion. Here are some examples:
Sexuality, being queer
My chronic pain and illness
Conflict with friends or family
I have trouble calling people I don’t know or knocking on doors, although I don’t think this is uncommon for shy people
I am sometimes uncomfortable being asked to keep secrets or not to talk about things because it reinforces this anxiety

One article I read recently said: “You can’t get a kid verbal until you have social comfort” (http://www.selectivemutism.org/news/people-magazine-spotlights-dr-elisa-shipon-blum-director-emeritus). This resonated quite strongly for me, because as a queer person in society, who was closeted (to myself) for a very long time, it is rare that I am socially comfortable. I have certainly learned many coping techniques. But it is hard to speak when you are not comfortable with yourself, and when society makes you feel unsafe. I cannot talk about selective mutism without talking about my experience of being queer, and being closeted. They are tied together. Activist Mia Mingus says, “intersectionality is a big fancy word for our lives.”

What does selective mutism feel like? People talk about a flight or fight response to danger. This is a third response, a “freeze” response. The body senses danger, although the source is unclear, and the body freezes. Talking is impossible. Even thinking becomes different, slowed, unclear. “How can I get myself out of this situation?” is usually what my brain is focusing on, but often that thought is in conflict with some other need or desire like wanting to be at a party or needing to answer a question directed at me. It is a terrible feeling, a deer-in-headlights feeling. I want to escape, but I can’t figure out how, I can’t figure out what is even going on. As I have learned more and more about this I have learned to simply feel the anxiety, feel it in my body and my throat, and not try to think so hard, try not to focus on words, which often do not work well for me in times of high anxiety.

What helps? Getting away from words and looking at images helps. Doing things that root me in my body helps, such as holding my hands under hot water. Writing out whatever is bothering me helps tremendously. And, importantly, I need to notice when it is happening. I have had this all my life; it’s my normal, after all, so I don’t always notice when I’m being anxiously quiet or peacefully quiet. I don’t always notice if there is something important in my life that I am not talking about. I don’t think this is just a selective mute thing: in a repressive culture, there are plenty of important things we just don’t talk about, for all sorts of reasons. This might be because to speak about them makes the thing more real; to speak might make other people uncomfortable or angry or bored; to speak might make myself vulnerable, because someone could use my words against me. Speaking is dangerous, and silence is a naturally protective stance. The body knows this, the throat closes.

Thankfully, the fingers don’t, the fingers can still type. Writing about my life is practice for talking about my life. It is worlds easier.

Speaking is a political and personal act. I want to get better at it, I want to value my own voice and what I have to say. I am taking baby steps in this direction. I am, strangely enough, good at public speaking as long as I don’t have to talk about myself, or something too personally connected to myself. I do better at speaking when my role is defined, such as in academic or club environments. I have read interviews of actors and other performers saying similar things, that the stage or screen is the only place they are comfortable speaking, because they are playing someone else, not themselves.

In all the reading I have done about selective mutism, on blogs, in scientific articles, on awareness websites, all the focus is on diagnosis, treatment, therapy. Don’t get me wrong, I think these things are great. But what I don’t understand is the lack of discussion on how to live well with the disorder. The social justice model of disability has taught me many things, and one of those things is that I don’t necessarily need to be cured. I can seek accommodation for my disabilities and live well with them. Why not teach kids with SM sign language? Why not let them type or write their responses to questions? Why do we privilege speech so highly? Other forms of communication are just as useful, and sometimes better. There are many forms of self expression. Words are just one kind, and speech is just one iteration.
About Sasha Feather

Sasha likes science fiction and fantasy, horses, and coats. View all posts by Sasha Feather →

20 thoughts on “Selective Mutism”
( comments from the blog )

1. What’s involved in “queering up straight people”?

I think I listed this as a joke, but it's also something I strive for: when around straight people (at work, at family gatherings, at the dog park, etc), try to gently challenge those folks and influence them in the direction of queer politics. I don't always achieve this.

2. Tell me about your first houseplants

I had spider plants pretty early on, and I still have those same spider plants. I don't remember getting them. I also had a rabbit's-foot fern, a hanging plant. These plants have fuzzy rhizomes that look like rabbits' feet. The rhizomes reached all around the pot and nearly encased it.

3. Why do fanvids makes you happy?

They are a way to really feel something for about 3 minutes, and then be done with that feeling if you so choose. They are creative, beautiful, and some of them are like the essence of a cerain emotion. A great blending of audio and visual beauty. A way to turn off the intellectual narrator part of my brain and just feel, for a little while.

4. How did you decide to be a scientist?

I loved animals and plants, always, and so biology was a natural fit. I felt that going into research was a way to make the world a better place and contribute to humanity's knowledge in some small way. I also felt that going into science would be a more secure way to earn a living than being a writer.

5. If money were no issue, would you like to live alone?

No; I have lived alone and it was fine, but I do better if I have a good roommate. I like knowing that someone is around. I stay on top of chores more and I simply feel better.

1. What's the happiest thing to ever happen to you?
Getting a horse for Christmas when I was 11. Penny and I were soul-friends and I had so many good times with her. Here is a photo of us the next summer: https://flic.kr/p/63nL6f

2. What's the saddest thing to ever happen to you?
Maybe when my 2 best friends broke up with me when we were 11-ish (6th grade). In therapy, I determined this to be a watershed event for learning to shut down my emotions; and also the ringleader probably sensed something gay about me, and that is why she decided to stop talking to me. Also, the way they did it! They just stopped talking to me one day. I was bewildered more than anything.

3. What's the thing that got you the most angry in your life?
Probably at a therapist. I was about a day or two into a hypo-manic episode (?) after coming out and I thought she could help me. She didn't. I did write about it at the time http://sasha-feather.dreamwidth.org/375687.html (post was filtered but it's so long ago I will unfilter it, temporarily. Many of my older posts are locked down to private).
I got so angry about the Vivid Con ableism stuff in 2010 that I made myself ill. But, that anger has faded. I don't really feel it anymore.
I didn't get angry a lot before I came out; and then I was angry *all the time*; it seems better now a few years on.

4. What's the most frightening thing to ever happen to you?
Scary situations don't really "happen to me" so much as arise from my anxiety. I have gotten super anxious in totally mundane situations. It seemed like the only way out of the problem was to speak, and I was so anxious I could not speak, so I was stuck and frozen. Also, I didn't know why this was happening. Everyone else seemed to have no problem in these ordinary situations, like speaking to a teacher or knocking on a door. Then having random panic attacks sent me to therapy.
In a more traditional sense of frightening-- there was some scary-to-outsiders stuff with the horses, like getting bucked off. But it never seemed scary to me. Animals are easier than people, and that basic fear is easier to deal with than anxiety.

5. What's the most unbelievable thing to happen to you in your life?
a. Getting scholarships that paid for my college education
b. Getting a horse for Christmas!!!11!1!!!
c. Not realizing I was queer until age mumblety
d. getting facial pain that has no real diagnosis
e. Being on the State Champion poutlry quiz bowl team!

"Pitch" was hard to watch this week; it centered on Ginny's friendships. In her life friendship is tenuous. People move away or get traded to other teams. It's the nature of her profession.

( spoilers for ep ...5 i think )

eta to expand and unlock

I'm so grateful for the frienships I've been able to maintain that seem to be able to last despite distance and circumstance and the friend getting married, etc; and social media seems to help a lot. A whole lot. I mean, having friends on the internet means that your friends go with you wherever the internet is, which is a lot of places. You take your internet friends with you when you travel or when you move. They are available all the time, if you don't mind waiting a little while for a reply. You can Skype or google chat. You can send each other funny memes. You can find friends with your strange, particular interests. Anyways, here's to you, internet friends!

After reading thingswithwings' latest fic, Odd One Out, and relating a lot to Eliot in that story, I am idly wondering if I am perhaps aromantic.

It seems like a simple relationship style that would work for me.

There is a lot of upheaval going on in the world and in my community right now. Things are rapidly coming into hard focus. Sustained anger seems to be really working for me right now actually. *Imagines Eliot growling*

Meme: Please fill out this survey so I can get to know you better. Old friends, fill it out too! Even if I know you well, I may find out something about you I never knew. Feel free to spread this around so we can all get to know each other. If there is a question you don't want to or don't know how to answer, just tell me something else instead.


Name: Sasha
Preferred gender pronoun: she/her is fine. I don't feel strongly about this.

Skipping the birthday and where do you live questions. :p

What are you studying/What are you working as: I'm a study coordinator for Alzheimer's disease research. My background is epidemiology / microbiology / infectious diseases, but I've been a study coordinator for a while and the skill set is the same for whatever area one is working on. It's science, but with face-to-face people interaction, which is nice. I like the diversity of the tasks I do: some working with data, some logistical things, some working with people, some writing and editing.

What makes you happy/hobbies: Walking my dog, working with plants, taking photos, watching fanvids with friends, sitting on porches, being outside. The internet. Reading.

An interesting fact about you: I used to show chickens, and when I graduated from 4-H I organized the local poultry show for a couple of years. I went to the national livestock show for poultry judging one year in high school.

Are you in love/have a crush at the moment? I probably have minor crushes on some of you right now. :p

Favorite place to be: Outside, around plants and animals. I love the back pasture at my parents' place, and pretty much any wild place. I also have a particular fondness for dark movie theaters.

A word to describe yourself: tired.

FANDOM

Favorite Fandom(s): I'm going to steal whump's answer and say that the meta parts of fandom are my favorite.

OTP/OT3: Charles/Erik; the SGA OT4; Sherlock and John. Probably lots of others since I read in several fandoms.

Celebrities you flail over: I try not to do this because celebrities usually disappoint me somehow. I flail over my friends instead.

Favorite music: Neko Case FOREVER! Janelle Monae, REM, older U2. Been listening to fun. all the time lately.

PLUS

One thing you like about DW: Cut tag expandrrrrrrrr, and all the little ways the site is designed to be user-friendly

Two things you like about yourself: I'm thoughtful and compassionate, most of the time

What House in Hogwarts are you in/would you be in? Hufflepuff pride!