Horses are good company -- The Witcher

I'm not doing great and having a hard time talking about it, hard time reaching out. Today I felt very anxious and had high pain. Nerve pain in my face and mouth and like, the very top part of my sternum.

Helped to: write things on Bluesky, talk with a friend, eat food. Also: shower, inhaler, meds, ice pack on chest, frozen foods, meds. Ran the AC since it was very hot today. I did an easy puzzle (300 pieces) which was soothing. I couldn't find anything to watch that held my interest.

If this is all from getting off of Lacosamide, it sucks. But it will pass eventually, more likely than not.

Specific things I'm worried about, my brain is going pretty fast today.

1. Haven't heard from my parents much and I haven't called them either, which I feel guilty about, but reaching out's a 2-way street (thank you therapy). There is a family get together this coming weekend. I am not able to go due to my health but I'm having a hard time communicating that to them, partly because I do not want to accept it myself. I'm so disappointed and frustrated (at everything).

It is a 4 hour drive and my Midwestern car culture self used to think nothing of it. I can't manage it now. Of course we don't have trains or other alternatives. I'm not even sure if there are ride-share boards anymore. I suppose I can ask on FB. But even if I got a ride could I manage the social activities? I would overdo it almost certainly, and I don't have access intimacy with most of my family members.

It seems like the best thing for me right now is to sleep a lot, not travel.

2. I would feel better if the apartment were clean. Not sure how to make that happen. In the past I've had my friends over for a cleaning party. I haven't seen much of many of my local friends lately so that makes it harder to ask I think. I certainly can't afford a maid service. So that leaves asking friends and I just have to find a way to do that.

3. My internet bill went up by 30 dollars!! Because the Affordable Connectivity Program ended.

4. I feel isolated. Grateful for the friends I have seen and who have reached out! But anxious about my family and other people who have not. Logically I know that this is untrue, but sometimes I feel like it's easy for people to drop me. That is probably something to bring up in therapy huh. But being single and queer and disabled is a tough path socially too.

In better news, the dog remains wonderful. I enjoy looking at art on Tumblr, and the absurd memes, etc. I'm glad to have a good roommate. I'm grateful for lunches and movie nights with Jesse.

I have been struggling for the last week or so with rib pain, asthma, and congestion. Yesterday the extreme cold snap broke, which seemed to help quite a bit. Abbie and I were able to get out to the dog park for the first time in maybe 2 weeks? Which really helps my mood and hers. Acclimation is a real and amazing thing; 17 degrees F feels balmy, and I was sweating in my layers of clothes. I've been doing just about everything I can think of for the rib pain and asthma, but not much is making a dent really.

I still don't have my Enbrel and I've been too sick to work on anything except taking care of myself and the dog.

I listened to a couple of old favorites from the SGA fandom:

This Gun's For Hire by Helenish, read by Helens78. If you want the text version of this, you have to use the WayBack machine, but the podfic is on the Ao3.
https://archiveofourown.org/works/602672

Healing Station Argh, by toft,
https://archiveofourown.org/works/205871

A friend sent me the podfic, since the link for that is currently broken.

I took Abbie to a new vet today!
content note doggie dental issues.

( Read more... )

It's extremely cold here and I'm getting a bit of cabin fever. I did manage a walk around the block today, and I actually slept last night. Still having asthma, but it didn't feel quite so bad today. I was prescribed a new type of inhaler, but cannot afford the co-pay. Still waiting on my paperwork to go through for medication assistance; I haven't taken my Enbrel since the 3rd week of January.

In the last couple of days I watched:
WandaVision, through ep. 5. The first few episodes were kind of slow and weird; it picked up in episode 4.
Boa vs. Python, a B movie starring David Hewlett. Bad and silly, lots of gratuitous naked ladies and such.

I super enjoyed the new trailer for Falcon and the Winter Soldier.

So, I have phone phobia. I used to consider it mild, but these days it's a real problem. Here is an example.

This afternoon, I finally got myself to make a phone call to refill my Enbrel. This is my main medicine for RA, which I take once a week. I'm out and due to take my next dose on Saturday, so, I know I am running late on this.

I had to leave my apartment and stand outside to make the call, due to cell phone reception. Then I had to wait on hold for about 5 minutes.

When I finally spoke to someone she said that Thursday is the last day they can mail out refrigerated products and it's too late to send it now. So it will get sent on Monday. Can I come pick it up tomorrow?" I ask, as the specialty pharmacy is in town and I have a car.

"Your insurance locks you into the mail order system, and we don't have an option for pick up," she said. Even though this would save them money by not having to pay FedEx. There is also no online re-order system. You have to call. So, fuck me I guess.

I feel bad about myself when stuff like this happens: I feel irresponsible for not calling sooner. I feel like there is something wrong with me that I can't seem to make a simple phone call. But-- if there were an online form, I could do it in 2 seconds. And driving to pick up the med (before they changed the system) was not usually a problem for me unless I was very ill.

The medicine comes in a fairly large, styrofoam shipping box with ice packs and bubble wrap inside. My last one, I returned to a random pharmacy after taking my med out. But I imagine that most people throw all this material away. It's hard for me to imagine how the insurance company is possibly saving money with this system. My own health care is suffering because of it. I *also* don't get the interaction with a pharmacist that I would get if I picked up the med myself.

What a fucked up system.

I was a random recipient of a paid account, for 2 months, which means MORE ICONS. I appreciate that people like DW enough, and are generous enough, to sponsor random paid accounts.

I am feeling less anxious lately, maybe for no reason. Could also be antibiotics making me feel better, and taking Magnesium/zinc/vit D supplements.

p.s. Hot Fuzz is on Netflix!

Given how stressed and sick I've been, I guess it's no surprise really that my period is 10 days overdue. Normally it's very regular. (no I'm not pregnant).

It's been a stressful summer.

I'm back on Prednisone for a few days and already feeling somewhat better. Getting hit with the RA/asthma truck has been no picnic.

I'm following the Ferguson news on Twitter. It's difficult to read, and difficult to not read.