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sasha_feather) wrote2019-01-29 08:08 pm
sasha_feather) wrote2019-01-29 08:08 pm
Entry tags:
Compartmentalization in fiction
I’m trying to write every day despite having bad facial pain that affects everything, which in turn is probably due to poor breathing from the polar vortex cold weather. This means I’m doing most things pretty slowly, but I still want to do them.
When I was 28 I had a bizarre coming out experience. Some of you were there to read along with it, others I didn’t know yet. This experience defied description, but some words and some stories do come close, or have something in common with my experience and resonate with me. They have to do with compartmentalization, which Wikipedia defines as:
“a subconscious psychological defense mechanism used to avoid cognitive dissonance, or the mental discomfort and anxiety caused by a person's having conflicting values, cognitions, emotions, beliefs, etc. within themselves.”
For me, compartmentalization was a way to deal with having severe anxiety, and with perceiving that the world is not safe for queer people. I walled off part of myself, and could only fully access this part when my mind was ready.
Fanfic and book recs follow. Many of these I haven’t read in a long time, so I can’t provide content notes.
Numberless the Ways, and Imperceptible. LOTR, Legolas/Gimli, by Laura JV.
Text: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13680141
Podfic by exmanhater: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14226666
One has the capacity to feel things, but at the same time not perceive them. Different levels or areas of your brain are not fully communicating. Things happen in their own time. Sometimes people on the outside like friends and family, can see what is happening more clearly than the person experiencing this phenomenon.
In the YA novel Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe, by Benjamin Alire Saenz, the character Ari comes from a family that doesn’t talk about things. There are important subjects that are taboo, and there are secrets. Ari compartmentalizes his feelings about his best friend Dante. Interestingly the author also came out later in his life. (audiobook is read by Lin-Manuel Miranda).
By Any Other Name, by entangled now, Teen Wolf, Derek/Stiles
https://archiveofourown.org/works/566258
Podfic by Rhea: https://archiveofourown.org/works/589131
Amnesia fic isn’t quite the same, but shares some resonances. Namely, that the characters start the story lacking full use of their memories, and by the end (in this trope), the characters have their minds and narratives re-integrated. The amnesia can serve as dis-inhibition, or gaining a new perspective on one’s self and one’s relationship. The mind can sort of step outside of its normal pathways.
In Mirror Dance by Lois McMaster Bujold, Miles temporarily loses his memory. When he regains all of his memories, he experiences a “cascade” when they come rushing back in. This was the closest term I had to my experience of having my thoughts race, replaying and reanalyzing memories with a new lens, as I felt my brain re-align itself.
Sell Your Body to the Night, by dira sudis, Teen Wolf, Derek/Stiles
Text: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2838161
Podfic by thilia: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5145440
In this epic work, Stiles experiences a trauma and runs away to San Francisco to become a sex worker. He puts the knowledge of his trauma away and very carefully does not allow himself to think about it. He acts in ways that may seem dangerous to others, but which feel safe to him. He maintains a strict sort of control over his life, in order to protect himself from too-powerful feelings.
Compartmentalization seems to me to be a normal coping strategy in response to anxiety, to trauma, or to living in a dangerous world.
I am interested in reading more stories like these if you know of them. Podfic and audio books are especially preferred but not necessary.
When I was 28 I had a bizarre coming out experience. Some of you were there to read along with it, others I didn’t know yet. This experience defied description, but some words and some stories do come close, or have something in common with my experience and resonate with me. They have to do with compartmentalization, which Wikipedia defines as:
“a subconscious psychological defense mechanism used to avoid cognitive dissonance, or the mental discomfort and anxiety caused by a person's having conflicting values, cognitions, emotions, beliefs, etc. within themselves.”
For me, compartmentalization was a way to deal with having severe anxiety, and with perceiving that the world is not safe for queer people. I walled off part of myself, and could only fully access this part when my mind was ready.
Fanfic and book recs follow. Many of these I haven’t read in a long time, so I can’t provide content notes.
Numberless the Ways, and Imperceptible. LOTR, Legolas/Gimli, by Laura JV.
Text: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13680141
Podfic by exmanhater: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14226666
One has the capacity to feel things, but at the same time not perceive them. Different levels or areas of your brain are not fully communicating. Things happen in their own time. Sometimes people on the outside like friends and family, can see what is happening more clearly than the person experiencing this phenomenon.
In the YA novel Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe, by Benjamin Alire Saenz, the character Ari comes from a family that doesn’t talk about things. There are important subjects that are taboo, and there are secrets. Ari compartmentalizes his feelings about his best friend Dante. Interestingly the author also came out later in his life. (audiobook is read by Lin-Manuel Miranda).
By Any Other Name, by entangled now, Teen Wolf, Derek/Stiles
https://archiveofourown.org/works/566258
Podfic by Rhea: https://archiveofourown.org/works/589131
Amnesia fic isn’t quite the same, but shares some resonances. Namely, that the characters start the story lacking full use of their memories, and by the end (in this trope), the characters have their minds and narratives re-integrated. The amnesia can serve as dis-inhibition, or gaining a new perspective on one’s self and one’s relationship. The mind can sort of step outside of its normal pathways.
In Mirror Dance by Lois McMaster Bujold, Miles temporarily loses his memory. When he regains all of his memories, he experiences a “cascade” when they come rushing back in. This was the closest term I had to my experience of having my thoughts race, replaying and reanalyzing memories with a new lens, as I felt my brain re-align itself.
Sell Your Body to the Night, by dira sudis, Teen Wolf, Derek/Stiles
Text: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2838161
Podfic by thilia: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5145440
In this epic work, Stiles experiences a trauma and runs away to San Francisco to become a sex worker. He puts the knowledge of his trauma away and very carefully does not allow himself to think about it. He acts in ways that may seem dangerous to others, but which feel safe to him. He maintains a strict sort of control over his life, in order to protect himself from too-powerful feelings.
Compartmentalization seems to me to be a normal coping strategy in response to anxiety, to trauma, or to living in a dangerous world.
I am interested in reading more stories like these if you know of them. Podfic and audio books are especially preferred but not necessary.
Poll #21224 akudospoll
Open to: Registered Users, detailed results viewable to: All, participants: 18
So, what did you think?
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So it's possible that some of what I've written might fit this. I'm not 100% sure where you draw the lines.
It's also probable that anything I've written that fits this could be triggery as hell in certain directions. I try to tag accurately and to include more specific warnings in notes, but, while I know what upsets me, noticing that there's something that might need flagging for someone else is not something I'm always great at.
If there's ever a story of mine that looks interesting and you have concerns/want spoilers before reading, I'm perfectly willing to answer questions.
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The Very Self of the Storm - Smallville (mostly based on fandom osmosis of the first few seasons and also canon divergent) and broader DC Comics and DC Animated universes. 2998 words. T rated (mostly for implied things). Clark Kent/Lex Luthor. Amnesia. All of the dark stuff is implied. The POV character (Lex) has some degree of memory repression after being held captive by invading aliens. The story takes him from denying what he sees to accepting that there are things he's forgotten and will have to deal with soon. The other character (Clark) doesn't notice the problem as being what it is because he's focused on the physical injuries.
I wrote this for a pinch hit request for someone who wanted h/c, heavy on the comfort, with these two post-apocalypse.
There are two sequel stories, but they have less of that walling things off. People still do it because people do.
Where the Mind Is Without Fear - Star Wars OT. 1431 words. M rated for non-explicit but clearly referenced rape and torture. Luke Skywalker is Emperor Palpatine's prisoner after events of Return of the Jedi go differently. Most of what Luke is doing here is deliberate. It's long term damaging, but he's trying to hold onto certain parts of himself at the cost of others. This is open ended, more of an introspective thing than a plot thing.
Repairs (The Mary Ellen Carter Remix) - MCU (1st Avengers movie only). G rated, but I'd probably rate it T if I were posting it now. 3577. SHIELD benches Clint for a while after the movie so that he can see someone who specializes in trauma. I think I handled the flashbacks and the triggers a bit clumsily, but the idea is that he's having occasional moments when he thinks people asking him questions are Loki trying to get more information about SHIELD's weak points. It's not focused on the psychotherapy. A good chunk of it is him talking to Bruce about waking up and realizing that you did things you thought you'd never do and knowing that, whatever mitigating circumstances apply, it was still you doing it.
Faded Colors - Chronicles of Narnia. 3782 words. T rated, villain POV. These are vignettes from the life of Jadis, the White Witch, both in her home world, Charn, and after she came to the world of Narnia but before she conquered Narnia. The partitions in her mind are potentially harder to see because they're so deeply rooted. She doesn't even know they're there.
Some of my Sky High stories would work. I think they might be very close to what you want, particularly anything in the Not Ready to Swallow Oblivion series which has things going in that direction for all the POV characters.
The canon is 1.5 hour Disney movie about a high school for superheroes. It is fluffy and silly and very obviously a dystopia underneath. Not Ready to Swallow Oblivion kind of has a 'here be dragons' on it because it's more than 100K words with some stories being AUs of others. It has shifting POV with each character seeing different truths and refusing to look at certain other things. The first story in the series ends with potential happiness. After that, things get darker for the characters, and they have to partition themselves more. An annotated index for the series can be found here.
Stealing What Little I Can is another Sky High story with a character who's deliberately not letting himself know all of the things he knows. It's about 13K words and complete. It's potentially happier at the end.
Edited to fix html.
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