Intuition

I am taking a water Ai Chi class. It is in a warm water pool and the other people in the class are mostly older women. I am by far the youngest person in the class; I don't feel uncomfortable about this though. I like hanging around with older women anyways. It sort of feels like "my mom's friends" age-wise. The movements are very gentle, constantly moving. They focus on deep breathing, range of motion, and balance. It's just my speed, really, because when I've tried things like yoga, it hurts too much to do the movements. This class is challenging, more so than I expected it to be, but doesn't hurt too much. In fact the teacher encourages us not to push through pain, and it's easier to take that advice in a class like this which is aimed at people with mobility issues, than it would be in a standard class.

Sometimes--often-- my internalized ableism tells me that I should be able to do more. After all, I can walk at the dog park, do household chores, drive, etc. But when I'm in this class and focusing on my body, it tunes me in more to how much pain I have and how much I am trying to ignore it all the time. And that takes tons of energy. It's exhausting. Chronic illness reduces your stamina, plus coping with chronic illness takes work.

I have really high standards and expectations for myself, and I should remember to be easier on myself because my life is not exactly easy.