Most beautiful weather here today; intensely blue skies, a crispness to the air that usually signifies Autumn. Frogs singing. I went for a walk up the hill which I am trying to do every day, for my mental / emotional health. I pick some apples off the tree to throw into the pasture for the sheep and the horse. I look for cool rocks. I take photos. Today this was the best part of my day. I also like talking on the phone or texting while walking around. I have a plastic chair up on the hill, by the water tank, which I put out there a while back, so I could sit and supervise the kids playing. Today I discovered a patch of self-seeded ("volunteer") decorative gourds growing in the feed lot.

We stayed home today. We did visit mom yesterday and she seemed ok. I am better off not visiting her, but have a hard time saying no. I don't mind driving down there once in a while (it's a beautiful trip), and the occasional visit to restock her clothes, etc, but I can't be going so often. It's weird how I can feel guilty for not doing enough, even while I'm doing all i possibly can.

I am feeling heavy and achy. A bit overwhelmed with the responsibilities of life. Chronic illness keeps kicking my ass.

I saw someone on Tumblr suggest, instead of "pouring from an empty cup", think "boiling an empty kettle," because, it's dangerous to boil an empty kettle. Similarly, instead of "out of gas" think "out of oil." This one might work better with my family of car guys.

Neighbor Karen brought us a peach pie tonight fresh from her oven!

I'm not doing great and having a hard time talking about it, hard time reaching out. Today I felt very anxious and had high pain. Nerve pain in my face and mouth and like, the very top part of my sternum.

Helped to: write things on Bluesky, talk with a friend, eat food. Also: shower, inhaler, meds, ice pack on chest, frozen foods, meds. Ran the AC since it was very hot today. I did an easy puzzle (300 pieces) which was soothing. I couldn't find anything to watch that held my interest.

If this is all from getting off of Lacosamide, it sucks. But it will pass eventually, more likely than not.

Specific things I'm worried about, my brain is going pretty fast today.

1. Haven't heard from my parents much and I haven't called them either, which I feel guilty about, but reaching out's a 2-way street (thank you therapy). There is a family get together this coming weekend. I am not able to go due to my health but I'm having a hard time communicating that to them, partly because I do not want to accept it myself. I'm so disappointed and frustrated (at everything).

It is a 4 hour drive and my Midwestern car culture self used to think nothing of it. I can't manage it now. Of course we don't have trains or other alternatives. I'm not even sure if there are ride-share boards anymore. I suppose I can ask on FB. But even if I got a ride could I manage the social activities? I would overdo it almost certainly, and I don't have access intimacy with most of my family members.

It seems like the best thing for me right now is to sleep a lot, not travel.

2. I would feel better if the apartment were clean. Not sure how to make that happen. In the past I've had my friends over for a cleaning party. I haven't seen much of many of my local friends lately so that makes it harder to ask I think. I certainly can't afford a maid service. So that leaves asking friends and I just have to find a way to do that.

3. My internet bill went up by 30 dollars!! Because the Affordable Connectivity Program ended.

4. I feel isolated. Grateful for the friends I have seen and who have reached out! But anxious about my family and other people who have not. Logically I know that this is untrue, but sometimes I feel like it's easy for people to drop me. That is probably something to bring up in therapy huh. But being single and queer and disabled is a tough path socially too.

In better news, the dog remains wonderful. I enjoy looking at art on Tumblr, and the absurd memes, etc. I'm glad to have a good roommate. I'm grateful for lunches and movie nights with Jesse.

As you may have heard we've had major air quality issues in Wisconsin lately due to wildfire smoke. I hate it so much! I am trying to remind myself that This Too Shall Pass. I can also count my blessings, but also recognize that it sucks. One way in which is sucks is that food tastes and smells burned. Or rather "burnt," that's more evocative.

I recently spent a little over a week at my parents' place, with extended family. We mostly just hung out, ate food, talked. I got the kids playing Apples to Apples and I played cribbage with my dad and aunt. I sound like such a curmudgeon but I wish the kids would get off their devices and go play outside, ha!!

With my dad I watched some DVDs:

The Italian job, the one from the 2000s. This has a Smurfette sexism problem but is otherwise a fun movie. The heist genre is a good one.

Leatherheads (2008) with George Clooney, Rene Zellweger, John Krasinsky. I had no idea that Clooney directed an old-fashioned screwball comedy!
Clooney plays a guy trying to kick-start professional football in 1925; his team is the Duluth Bulldogs. They hire Krasinsky, a war hero, to be their star and attract fans. Zellweger plays a journalist on a mission to muck rake. The screwball RomCom parts are wonderful. A good time was had watching this film!

Saving a couple of things from Twitter

Katy / krfabian

krfabian
·
Aug 31, 2021

Replying to
sasha_feather
Oh when those twitter bots are scrapping'
And the trolls don't seem to rest
When the online all is gettin' way too much
Well my toes start tap-tap-tapping
To the tune my heart knows best
And they kick this little number into touch


I waaaanna be a cowboy
Histoooooorical and gay
I waaaanna be a cowboy
And fuck in olden days
Yes I waaaanna be a cowboy
Oh woooooon't my wish come true
I just waaaaanna be a cowboy And ride a cowboy too!

-----

Inspired by that thread about Matt the chaotic movie theater worker, I'm going to tweet some gems about my brother R. who also had chaotic energy.

In high school or maybe college, R. and his best friend worked at a store that sold hunting and camping gear. They worked behind the gun counter. To amuse themselves, they put the shocking dog collars around their own necks and shocked each other.

R. and his friends rode their horses through the drive-through fast-food window.

We lived out in the country and had what you might call a "free range" childhood experience. One time R. and his friends decided to take a small gas canister, the kind you use for a camping gas grill. They took it out into the back field and shot it with a rifle. ...It made a BIG boom.

R. passed away in February (2020) which is why I'm using the past tense. At the visitation there were SO many stories like this, and I imagine there are lots that I never heard.

R. got a parachute from the military surplus store. (He loved that store). His idea was to hook the parachute to the back of his pickup, get someone to drive really fast, and parasail on the dirt roads.

One time at a family Easter gathering in South Dakota, it was very windy. The guys hooked up the parachute contraption and many people went parasailing over a dirt field. This was approved by the adults. I remember my cousin asking me, do you think other families are like this?

If I had a book sitting out, he'd pick it up and move the bookmark to a different page. Chaos.

The high school talent show was drummed up into kind of a big deal. The mayor was one of the judges. Most people sang or played in their bands. R. concocted a Trained Chicken Act.
1. Hypnotize a chicken. This is a real thing you can do, make the chicken doze out.
2. "Singing chicken" this involved R. making Bok Bok noises over a Garth Brooks song and acting like the chicken was singing.
3. Chicken trapeze. This involved 2 steps. Step one was dropping a fake chicken off the cat walk and pretending it died. Administering comical CPR and "reviving" it. Step 2 involved dropping a real live chicken off the cat walk and into the audience.

In order to hang posters up in the High school hallways, you have to have your poster stamped by the office. R. forged the stamp. He made posters that said things like:
"Have you seen my elephant?" A new play.

He loved jokes and some of the jokes he told were very gross, like, I wish I could forget them. He was the only one in the immediate family who could properly tell a joke, though, and also the only musical person. "Any idiot can play a banjo," he once said.

This one is just in my imagination. You know those "I voted" stickers? I think he's make a sticker in the same font, shape, and color, but it would say "I tooted."

He and I did not get along great, mostly because he had this way of poking at people's sore spots to get a reaction out of them. And I have a lot of sore spots. Also he was low-key homophobic. People are complicated.

I was about 18 and working at the county fair as the "poultry superintendent" which means I organized the 4-H poultry show and served as a resource for questions. One of the other volunteers was a woman about my mom's age, super nice but I don't remember her name right now. We were talking about being shy and she said, "give yourself ten years." This was really good advice. I encountered other people around that time who said they were formerly shy but it got better as they got older. Indeed, this happened to me. Sometimes, I consciously worked on my social skills. Other times, I just had to wait out my anxiety to a certain extent.

( content note discussion of death )

My re-gifts were a big hit!!
A few months ago, I found some treasures on the curb after a neighbor moved out. They must have moved in a hurry because there were real actual treasures left behind. Other things, I found from thrift stores or library sales, etc. N.b. Nibling is the gender-neutral word for "niece/nephew".

Brother #1: A knife, made in Sweden; and a caribiner.
Sister-in-law #1: A geode slice, purple
Brother #2, who likes collecting coins: some uncut 2-dollar bills in a folder, with information about them.
SIL #2: A photo of some water lillies, in a fancy frame (I took the photo some years ago).
Mom: a tiny one-egg-size cast iron skillet
Dad: A framed painting of a barn in winter.
Each of the 7 niblings got a a book, taken off my shelves, mostly YA or childrens' titles. One nephew in particular got a blaze-orange polyester fedora, and he loved it. He wore it continuously. This was pure serendipity as he'd been talking about wanting a fedora for months (but I didn't know that).

My mom told me that I'm a natural with the kids, which made me feel nice, but also seems just true. I remember what it's like to be a kid, so, while it was exhausting due to the energy and noise levels, it was also fun and easy to spend time with the niblings. I took them outside a couple of times to play in the barn, explore the pastures, and climb on fallen-down trees. I played Apples to Apples (which I brought along), and hide and seek. I picked out a movie for us to go to (Ralph Breaks the Internet). This was great for everyone involved, as it gave the parents a break, gave the kids fun things to do, and saved me from having to make conversation with anyone.

One thing that helped was that they are all a good age for doing stuff; the youngest is about four and is the only one that really needs help with things like getting shoes on or whatnot.

Abbie got a little overwhelmed, as there were two other dogs present (the farm dog, Tegan, and a new dog, Nelly aka Smelly.) I think she's happy to be back home resting on her sofa. I am also very happy to be back home where I have good internet and a recliner to sit in.

I come by my interest in language honestly. My mom said the other day, when she hears the term "boots on the ground," she thinks they should change a few letters so that it's "Blood on the ground."

Boom.

j00j asked about sheep and/or 4-H. My family has had sheep and other animals for almost as long as I can remember. My parents moved us from town to a hobby farm before I was in school. We raised sheep as a hobby, showed them in 4-H, and sold them for meat. My parents still do this, only without the 4-H part. We did many other things in 4-H also!

Sheep are pleasant, easy going animals. I find them calming to be around especially in the winter when they are munching hay in the barn, snow is falling outside, and the whole world seems so peaceful and just as it should be. From year to year on the farm, very little changes. The sheep have their lambs, the lambs grow up, the seasons change. Some sheep are friendly and some are skittish. Bottle-raised lambs in particular will come right up to you since they associate humans with milk. (We have some older ewes that get mastitis or whatever and don't produce milk; bottle lambs are a pain to have to feed every 4 hours though, so this situation is best avoided if possible.) I did most of the animal chores when I was in high school, after I got home from school. I enjoyed this work and miss it; it's very grounding to be around animals and I liked the routine.

Shearing is done by a professional. He comes every so often and shears the dozen or so ewes that my parents own, and takes the wool away. Wool from sheep like these (meat breeds) is practically worthless, maybe a few cents a pound. Unprocessed wool in general is sold for very little; the expense comes in the processing, or so is my understanding.

It is neat watching lambs being born. They stand up pretty fast and make cute bleating noises.

The weirdest/most interesting 4-H and sheep story I have relates to "Lamb Lead". It is a competition intended to promote the sheep and wool industry. Contestants must wear a wool outfit (in the height of summer) while leading their well-groomed sheep in the show ring. Then they must answer questions from the judge about sheep and wool, such as the good qualities of wool, breeds of sheep and what they are used for, etc. I won this competition once at the county level; I wore a wool suit, and even got my hair done and wore high heels! So silly! I was *not* into putting a stupid outfit on my sheep though, which some people did. We did all scrub our sheep clean with soap and the hose, and once I used black shoe polish on a sheep's face where the shears trimmed some of its face hair a little too close. :O

Another weird thing about 4-H is that people could get really competitive about it, even though the stakes were pretty low. This was in all the livestock areas; parents would spend all kinds of money on animals to try and get their kids to win. I still don't get that. For instance people might spend hundreds of dollars on a wether (a neutered male lamb) to show at the fair, and the market price for this animal was maybe 95 dollars IIRC. Weird.

Mostly I have very fond memories of my family and friends associated with 4-H, the animals, etc. 4-H is very good program; it encouraged me to have friends of different ages than myself and to do a lot of different things. The fair was the absolute best time of year, very very exciting! So much stimulation! Sort of like fan conventions are for me now. And growing up on the farm was pretty idyllic, ngl.

Here are a few sheep pictures at my Flickr. :)

1. I've been really stressing about money (btw thank you to those of you who bought my gift cards); but my family has been quietly helping me out without me even having to ask. This is really humbling. Also, it's weird to think about how I was making it before the Scott Walker pay cut to state workers. And now, it's harder.

2. I went to Cheers with Queers last night and had a great time.

3. I wore my really awesome wool suit today.

4. I am finished doing recruitment and enrollment for my study at work!! \o/

5. A few days this week I've seen my friend Kendra at the dog park which was really fun. I know her from outside the dog park, and she just got a dog.

6. I really enjoy my Thursday lunches with jesse_the_k. This week we watched a film called "Wretches and Jabberers", which is about two men with autism who are activists. They travel around the world and meet other people like themselves. In the movie, they go to Sri Lanka, Japan, and Finland. I really enjoyed and recommend this film.

7. There was a good seminar today that I got to attend most of; about diagnosing disease before and after death (ie at autopsy). It was really interesting, and the pathologist who was presenting is a bit of a fuss pot and makes everyone laugh. For instance his power point appeared pink, and he complained, "Whoever is in charge, I am not going to be happy here, because the words are supposed to be white not purple!" My boss tried to soothe him, "It'll be all right," to which he responded crankily, "For you maybe but not for me!" (cue laughter). They figured out the color problem was due to a bad connection, so then the director of the whole program sat there with his hand holding the connection down, to keep the wires tight. Also he said the first case's name, which is a big no-no, and when the director chided him, "no names!", he sighed and said, "OK, this person is [PATHOLOGIST]!", saying his own name.

8. I got a free cookie at the seminar.