In which I have possibly unpopular opinions about queer issues, part the first

[sasha_feather]

Same-Sex Marriage

Obviously, people who want to get married should be able to get married, and it's nice that President Obama said so (he gets a cookie for acknowledging that gay people have basic rights, yay). I am just not thrilled about how this is the #1 priority right now for the queer rights movement in the U.S.

I'm a "quirky alone" queer person-- meaning I'm pretty comfortable as a single person and not actively looking for a long-term relationship. Many of my friends are poly and some are asexual. Some of my friends just aren't interested in marriage. I think that we should have the same rights as everyone who is married.

I'm not the only one who feels this way: A letter to the Washington Post newspaper:

By Lauren Taylor
Thursday, May 10, 2012

I’m a progressive, out lesbian, but I’m not doing a happy dance about President Obama’s support for gay marriage.

Here’s the thing: I don’t think we (the country, the society) should be giving rights, privileges and protections to anyone — gay, straight, bisexual or other — based on their sexual or romantic relationships. I think most of the rights and privileges gay men and lesbians are seeking by pursuing marriage rights should be granted to human beings because they are human beings, whether or not they find one person they want to spend the rest of their lives with.

A few examples:

● Everyone should be able to designate who they want to be able to visit them in the hospital. Everyone should be able to take leave to care for a sick loved one.

● Everyone should have access to health insurance. If you’re self-employed, unemployed or work for a place that doesn’t provide health insurance, you shouldn’t need to have a romantic partner who has a job that provides health benefits to get coverage.

● If a couple with a child splits, married or not, all parents should be eligible for visitation and responsible for child support.

Marriage generally earns people tax breaks, respectability, and gifts.

Naamen Tilahoun also wrote a manifesto on this subject: Not the Marrying Kind. He talks about marriage as a problematic power structure.

When talking with futuransky one day, she used the phrase, "the hegemony of the couple". To me, it's a whole lot easier for me to come out to someone when I can say "my girlfriend"; ie, even being in a couple earns me respectability and places me into a safe category in people's minds. But I am usually not in a couple: I'm usually single. I think that idea of safety is somehow playing a part in this movement... placing people into known categories. When really the category should simply be "human".

Comments

[were_duck]

Great post--much appreciated and much agreed.

[sasha_feather]

<3333

[meloukhia]

Is there an unpopular kids corner? Because I will totally hang out there with you. Marriage is just not a big priority for me and as an institution it is in need of some serious examination and restructuring. I'm very sad that this relatively 'safe' issue has become such a rallying cry for the queer rights movement in lieu of other things that are in dire need of attention.

[sasha_feather]

It seems like there are a lot of us on DW with this unpopular opinion... so maybe it's not so unpopular after all!

[futuransky]

Yes yes yes, as you know <3. I generally hear "gay rights" for the marriage-oriented movement, distinguishing it from "queer" (as in Queer Kids of Queer Parents Against Gay Marriage), but I wonder if that is becoming less the case with the terminology...

I find myself more and more annoyed with coupledom, though I realize this is partly because of my age and social milieu (marriage and babies everywhere I look, especially on Facebook; I am genuinely happy for people being happy, just sick of the, well, hegemony of it...); I am just so tired of people speaking in terms of "we" and looking at me sadly when I have only singular pronouns to respond with!

[sasha_feather]

Yes! I am glad for people's happiness but also so grateful to have others like me to talk with. And sometimes I do resent the importance of marriage in society, even while simultaneously I'm celebrating my friends' marriages...

[sasha_feather]

Also I completely forgot about immigration rights! :(

I don't know, you're almost making to much sense!

[bibliofile]

Hey, that's why I got married. We wanted to shack up, but we both had to be able to work legally wherever we were. Fortunately, we happened to be one man and one woman, so marrying was an option. He got a green card very easily, too (no doubt in part because he was white, English speaking, and already had the ability to live in like 36 other countries).

And yeah, marriage can be a fine thing if you want it, but as you said elsecomment, in a just society we wouldn't need to do it for stuff like health insurance and legal next-of-kin/coparenting stuff.

[jesse_the_k]

Whoo hoo for nicely expressing a very sound opinion!

[sasha_feather]

Thank you!

[sophinisba]

Yes, this! I've been in a relationship for a little more than one out of my 33 years and the privileges (even without marriage), and oh my god the ease of saying "my girlfriend" compared to saying "I am bi" or "I am queer". This is a great post.

[sasha_feather]

Yes I know what you mean! <3 Thanks for commenting.

[laurashapiro]

My thing is, marriage is an institution that replicates patriarchy and supports capitalism. Why would I want to do that? Why would I want anybody to do that? Inasmuch as anybody has the right to marry, everybody should. But the very benefits associated with marriage are there to encourage people to buy into this patriarchal replication unit. The whole thing is *deeply* suspect.

[/pinko]

[sasha_feather]

Yes, agreed.

[sasha_feather]

Which is to say, I probably don't have the political knowledge you do in this area, but I don't understand the point of marriage except that it gets a person health insurance and legal benefits. Which in a just society they should have anyway.

Meanwhile I go to weddings, have fun, and feel like a bewildered hypocrite!

[laurashapiro]

Yeah, I had a moment of cognitive dissonance when I posted my comment, because earlier in the week I'd just congratulated two of my friends who are getting married -- and meant it sincerely! But I always feel a bit conflicted about it. I don't judge people who want it (after all, our whole society is telling them it's the Thing To Do), it's just not for me.

[chagrined]

there were a couple of comments I tried to make here but I kept deleting them and retyping them but basically

*likes this post*

[luinied]

I don't remember if we've ever talked about relationship stuff, really, but count me as another person who's totally on board with this post.

[starlady]

Yeah, I also agree. Particularly as marriage as an institution becomes more and more a privilege (class/status marker?) of the more privileged demographics in society, it's more important than ever that those benefits not be restricted only to people who are married.

At the same time, though, I don't think not fighting for marriage equality is the way to go to an equal future, either. And even as someone who has no expectation of being married ever, I am very happy for my friends who do decide to take that step, those of them who can.

[amethystfirefly]

(Sent here via sweet_sparrow)

Totally agree with you.

I also think that government should GTFO of marriage, period. If you want to have the government recognize your long-term commitment, let's call it a civil union. Marriage should simply be the recognition of a long-term committed relationship by a church.

And, that way, all the douchebags who don't want to marry teh gays don't have to. :p