a fan fic trend that bothers me

[sasha_feather]

Sometimes you're reading a fan fic or a book and it's going along fine, until you encounter that one line.

Cut for discussion of sex in fan fiction.

It goes something like this: the couple you are reading about, they've just given each other a very good time, a hand job or a blow job, and it's great! Your point of view character is really pleased, and they can't wait until they actually have sex.

... What... didn't they just... didn't they just HAVE sex?

Oh, you realize. The author means fucking. They mean penetration.

I'm seeing this more and more lately when I read outside of my small circle. I've seen it in fanfic, in various fandoms, and once in a professionally written YA book, ("Sia Martinez and the Moonlit Beginning of Everything," by Raquel Vasquez Gilliland, though I don't mean this as a way of picking on one author-- I'm reacting to a trend).

Why is this bad? Look I am no expert on sex by any means but I can think of a few reasons.

First of all! "Sex" is of course difficult to define, but it does not equal penetration. Sex can be hand jobs or oral sex or frottage. Phone sex is sex. The world is vast, use your imagination! Don't limit yourself.

Some people don't like penetration and they still have wonderful sex lives. Your characters should acknowledge this, ideally-- they should ask each other what they like and what they want, rather than just assuming that their partner wants to fuck. I know that fanfic is a fantasy, and there is no one correct way to do it, but it can be sexy and interesting for your characters to say what they desire, and negotiate their dislikes as well. When you don't like doing something that you are socially expected to do, like say fucking for example, it can be very restful and freeing to read about a character saying that and being accepted and loved. It can give you a model for yourself. Same goes if you can't participate in fucking due to disability / impairment.

The attitude expressed by sex only being about penetration, is anti-queer and heteronormative, in a very restrictive way. I was raised in this culture too, where sex is supposed to only be one narrowly defined activity between a married man and woman, so I do sort of understand where this comes from. But it's time to leave all of that in the garbage can where it belongs. Just because you are writing about two men doesn't undo all of that; you have to think it through a little more. I would venture to guess that this attitude also positions the penis as being Very Important, and I am here to tell you that you don't have to think that way. People who don't have penises, or who have ones that maybe don't work, also have interesting and good sex.

But! you say, my characters just really like fucking and I like writing it. OK, that is fine, but then just say so. Don't pretend like one kind of sex is the be-all and end-all of sexual activity. Just because it's common doesn't mean it's true. If you mean fucking, say it. This is not the time for euphemisms or unclear language.

While it maybe isn't wholly appropriate to learn about sex through fanfic, let's face it. For a lot of us that is how we learn. Fanfic can be a way that we can safely explore sexuality. And it grinds my gears when people are getting mis-information like this. If for some reason you think that hand jobs other other non-fucking sex acts aren't "real", or they don't "count", that can impact your health and your relationships, up to and including pregnancy and sexually-transmitted infections. I feel like I'm being a bit of lecturing scold but it's important to know that you can get STIs from various types of sexual activity outside of penetrative sex.

This has been a public service announcement brought to you by queerness.

What did I miss? Feedback welcome.

Comments

[saathi1013]

Yes! This is something that I've run into a lot in reading (and, sadly, sometimes I catch myself doing it when writing) fic with multiple sex scenes, where the earlier sex scenes are non-penetrative and the 'climactic' sex scene involves penetration as like the 'ultimate' act of intimacy...

But on the other hand, being an enthusiastic writer/reader of polyam fic also means that I get more opportunity to write/read variations of physical intimacy, because to keep *everyone* in the scene engaged, one has to consider more options than tab a -> slot b, y'know? Or else it's just people sitting 'round, waiting to take turns, and that gets boring fast.

Anyway, this is excellent, and I'm glad you wrote it, and it's something I've def fought against (with varying degrees of success) in my own stories, but I'm glad to see I'm not the only one who's considered the issue. :)

[sasha_feather]

Thank you for reading and commenting! That is a great point about polyamorous configurations.

[saathi1013]

Oh, also! It can be awfully freeing as a writer not to follow a 'script' of what sex is ""supposed"" to look like and how a sex scene is ""supposed"" to go - it opens up creativity and allows us to really dig into what would work for those specific characters in that specific scene, y'know? And as a reader, it can be exciting to read a story that breaks the mold, because then it doesn't read like a hundred other stories we've already read (not that the comfort of predictability isn't a valid thing, esp in fanfic, but there's a thrill to reading something that feels new, too).

[sasha_feather]

Right! exactly! If the two characters are really into the penetration part, then explore that, but don't just do it because it follows the script.

[sovay]

Oh, you realize. The author means fucking. They mean penetration.

I don't think I read enough fanfic (or romance) to have noticed this trend, but since I agree with you entirely that penetration is neither the best nor the most important nor the most intimate thing to do with people, blargh.

(I also think it is possible to fuck without a penis in the picture, but I assume you are referring to fiction where the attitude is that sex equals fucking equals PIV, so double blargh on that narrowing of language. English has never had the technical sexual vocabulary of Latin, but that's no reason for it to be heteronormative.)

[sasha_feather]

I read mostly m/m so it's usually anal penetration, and I feel like it's a hetero-normative script that is being put onto two men. Though in the case of the YA novel it was m/f.

[eva_rosen]

Once I read a very porn-y John/Sherlock fanfic where Sherlock expressed a dislike for penetrative sex, and it was just another detail and no Big deal to either of them, but thinking about it it's not that common.

[sasha_feather]

That sounds really lovely. :)

[eos_joy]

Excellently put. (I have nothing better to add, honestly. I think you truly covered everything, and worded it even better than I would have. Just wanted to chime in and say well done, and thanks, while I'm at it.)

=)

[sasha_feather]

Thank you!

[oracne]

AGH I HATE THAT SO MUCH TOO ZOMG. I read one of those recently and I was like "wut? wut?"

[sasha_feather]

I know how you feel!

Enstrengthened for truth

[jesse_the_k]

Just because it's common doesn't mean it's true.

(Underline has yielded to bold has yielded to HTML)

Exactly so!

Re: Enstrengthened for truth

[sasha_feather]

High five!

[starshipfox]

My perception is that fanfic is actually getting a little better at this -- not a lot better, but I would say that 10-15 years ago, more of the fic I read equated sex with penetrative sex, and saw penetrative sex as the ultimate sex act. In the last few years, I've mostly been reading within The Magicians fandom, but have seen more acknowledgement that there are many different kinds of sex, and penetration isn't the most intimate or most important sex act.

It's interesting to compare m/m fic to f/f fic too, because while f/f fic isn't free of these assumptions, there is definitely less emphasis on the idea of there being one "ultimate" sex act which all other sexual experiences are leading towards. I remember a discussion on Tumblr about how the idea of "foreplay" doesn't necessarily work for lesbian sex because there's no division between "sex" and "foreplay", but I would go further and say that "foreplay" as something "leading up" to sex isn't always a helpful concept -- it's all sex.

I was really shocked to see the idea that sex has to be penetration come up in a novel by Ocean Vuong -- Vuong is a young queer writer, and he was writing about two teenage boys having oral sex, and described them as "not really" having sex. Of all writers, I would not have expected Vuong to buy into this idea. I think it may be more common in mainstream fiction though, than fanfic -- fic is often ahead of the curve.

[sasha_feather]

That is hopeful!

I don't read a lot of f/f sadly, despite being a lesbian myself. But I think that's true from what I've read.

Ocean Vuong wtf my dude! huh

[longwhitecoats]

I agree with this so much, and as someone who considers myself to have had meaningful sexual experiences that weren't Penis In Vagina, I wish that were more reflected in fic.

The only quibble/question I have is how people with penises might feel about the idea that a penis "doesn't work" if it can't reliably penetrate stuff; I don't have a penis myself but I feel like the extension of getting away from the penetrative be-all end-all is that penises work just fine if everyone in their neighborhood is having a good time. But that might be erasing the ways in which that's a disability, so I don't know.

[tmi] Honestly it makes me think about how VERY long I spent having sex without ever having an orgasm, and nobody really considering that a big problem. I eventually did figure out how to do it but this seems to me like a combo of all the above? The hyperattention on PIV sex means that there's no attention to the pleasure of people who don't have their own penises or who have them but don't use them that way.

I am sleepy and rambly! I would love to know what you think about this, though. tl;dr I super agree with you and wish more fic writers would consider it.

[sasha_feather]

This is a very thoughtful and compassionate comment, thank you!

I don't know what the proper language is around what is commonly called ED; it's usually treated as a joke in media-- not very funny jokes. Or it's the subject of medical ads. I have read very little fanfic / erotica that discusses ED which feels like a bit of a missed opportunity. (There are two very good ones I've read, by Dira Sudis).

Is there a corresponding version of PIV that is for m/m, like PIA? I don't know, language, it's tough.

I'm sorry you had to go so long with orgasm-less sex, ugh. I'm glad you eventually figured it out.