Random Guy at Work: let me tell you why you are WRONG

[sasha_feather]

Or, spirit of the staircase!

I participated today in a free screening for oral and throat cancers. It took 5 minutes and I was feeling uncharacteristically talkative to the people running it. For example I told the woman taking the forms: "You should have check boxes for male, female, and other." (I doubt she took me seriously.)

So after I finished having the screening (the doc looks in your mouth with a flashlight), I was talking a man who was passing out the flyers. He was a friendly middle-aged guy that was sort of easy to talk to. He told me the risk factors for these cancers are tobacco use, alcohol use, and HPV (human pappilloma viruses).

"Well," I said, "Hopefully that will go down because now there is a vaccine." (Gardasil.)

"Or, teens could just have regular sex!" he joked, and laughed. He was referring to the fact that oral sex, ie blow jobs, are a risk factor for HPV causing cancers of the mouth and throat.

"Well, that's not going to happen, they just need to get vaccinated!" I said at the time.

What I wished I had done is either gotten scarily calm, or scarily angry, and scared him into NEVER SAYING THAT AGAIN. It was totally inappropriate for a number of reasons.

1. "Regular sex" is a figment of the imagination that exists in a subset of straight people's minds, and is centered around penis-in-vagina hetero sex. It erases queer sex, oral sex, manual sex, kinky sex, etc etc etc.

2. His so-called "regular sex" still transmits HPV-- to women, who can then get cervical cancer.

3. There was more than a strong whiff of victim-blaming to what he said-- if people get cancer from HPV, it's their fault.

People are such assholes! This guy told me he used to be a study coordinator!

ETA I just occurred to me that this man could have been attempting to flirt with me by making a risque joke about blowjobs. Such a lesbian am I-- I was totally oblivious.

Comments

[meloukhia]

YIPES. That is appalling. It's so hard to come up with a response to things like that in the moment.

[laceblade]

Gross. Was this the pretentious douchebag standing outside the cafeteria?

[laceblade]

ALSO-ALSO, WTF, like teenagers having sex is the only way HPV gets transmitted?? PEOPLE STOP BEING HORNY WHEN THEY TURN 20. TRUFAX.

[epershand]

DDDDDDD:

[sasha_feather]

It really is! I guess next time I will have a response ready. Or maybe I will just blog about it again. (I added an eta.)

[epershand]

ALSO ISN'T ORAL THE TRENDY WAY FOR SEXUALLY-ACTIVE PEOPLE TO STAY "VIRGINS"? ALL THE CONFLICTING STUPID MORAL ADVICE, HOW DOES ONE COPE.

[sasha_feather]

Yes, he was the younger of the two guys. Please see my ETA!

[sasha_feather]

Maybe this guy's wife never gives him BJs and he's resentful.

[holyschist]

I...don't think I can interpret that as flirting, because if it is it's fucking appalling. ("Hi, I'd like to fuck you but I only believe in PIV sex in the missionary position" = not the best pickup line.)

[epershand]

Or maybe he just thinks only cunnilinguis is normal sex.That's not a bad attitude for someone to have!

[jesse_the_k]

AGGGGH

You did pretty well in the moment.

My spirit-of-the-staircase would have been a sophisticated, well-thought, kick in the head.

[meloukhia]

+1

[meloukhia]

Yeah, it doesn't seem like flirting to me. Then again, I am very bad at reading flirtatiousness. But uhm. Yeah.

[epershand]

Agreed, that doesn't sound flirtatious to me. Unless he REALLY REALLY REALLY doesn't know how to flirt.

[holyschist]

Regardless, what a jerk!

[j00j]

I am notoriously bad at noticing flirting, but if that is flirting it is really terrible flirting D: D: D: . Nothing like implying that an important part of many peoples' sex lives is irregular! And from a person I assume works in the medical field! Thanks for judging. And if he's a study coordinator he should be better at not making assumptions =P

I was at a party last weekend where someone called various kinky sex acts "perversions" (and not in the "ooh fun" sense). I am *so happy* to be back in Philly with my usual queer/queer-friendly kink-friendly crowd. Argh. ETA: And I had no idea how to respond at the time, since I wasn't exactly feeling safe or wanting to explain that he was talking about me. Later I decided I should next time make some sort of comment about how I didn't think safe and consensual things adults choose to do were perversions. skola also brought up looking for some sort of educator/advocate class-- I'm not likely to do a ton of education, but it might be useful.

[sasha_feather]

Approved!!

[sasha_feather]

I'm sorry that happened to you!

That is a really good point about feeling safe in the moment. It's a tough call whether to call people out or not. An advocate class might be really great! I have trouble getting emotional distance from things like this, which is why some training could be useful.

[amadi]

I'm kind of the queen of l'esprit d'escalier, (and I want a pretty French tiara for it, dammit) and I tend to channel that into slightly scoldingly toned educational phone calls or letters to superiors. I'd be all over the study coordinator for this one, because that's how I roll.

I can't imagine the chilling effect on study participation that douchebag's comments could have if he said them to the wrong person.

[j00j]

*hugs* Thanks.

Yeah, I tend to freeze up and not know what to say in situations like that, especially when it's personal and not something I've dealt with before. It was easier to call people on transphobic comments at the same event, since I've had practice with that. And it's not about me/it's sometimes easier for me to call people out on behalf of others, rather than on my own behalf...

[eggcrack]

UGH. Sleazy insensitive doctors are so much fun, eh? >_

[sasha_feather]

I doubt this guy was a doctor, thank goodness!

[sasha_feather]

Agreed-- in our profession sensitivity is really important, I think. And the phones calls and letters certainly make *me* feel better, if nothing else.