Random Guy at Work: let me tell you why you are WRONG

[sasha_feather]

Or, spirit of the staircase!

I participated today in a free screening for oral and throat cancers. It took 5 minutes and I was feeling uncharacteristically talkative to the people running it. For example I told the woman taking the forms: "You should have check boxes for male, female, and other." (I doubt she took me seriously.)

So after I finished having the screening (the doc looks in your mouth with a flashlight), I was talking a man who was passing out the flyers. He was a friendly middle-aged guy that was sort of easy to talk to. He told me the risk factors for these cancers are tobacco use, alcohol use, and HPV (human pappilloma viruses).

"Well," I said, "Hopefully that will go down because now there is a vaccine." (Gardasil.)

"Or, teens could just have regular sex!" he joked, and laughed. He was referring to the fact that oral sex, ie blow jobs, are a risk factor for HPV causing cancers of the mouth and throat.

"Well, that's not going to happen, they just need to get vaccinated!" I said at the time.

What I wished I had done is either gotten scarily calm, or scarily angry, and scared him into NEVER SAYING THAT AGAIN. It was totally inappropriate for a number of reasons.

1. "Regular sex" is a figment of the imagination that exists in a subset of straight people's minds, and is centered around penis-in-vagina hetero sex. It erases queer sex, oral sex, manual sex, kinky sex, etc etc etc.

2. His so-called "regular sex" still transmits HPV-- to women, who can then get cervical cancer.

3. There was more than a strong whiff of victim-blaming to what he said-- if people get cancer from HPV, it's their fault.

People are such assholes! This guy told me he used to be a study coordinator!

ETA I just occurred to me that this man could have been attempting to flirt with me by making a risque joke about blowjobs. Such a lesbian am I-- I was totally oblivious.

Comments

[meloukhia]

YIPES. That is appalling. It's so hard to come up with a response to things like that in the moment.

[laceblade]

Gross. Was this the pretentious douchebag standing outside the cafeteria?

[epershand]

DDDDDDD:

[holyschist]

I...don't think I can interpret that as flirting, because if it is it's fucking appalling. ("Hi, I'd like to fuck you but I only believe in PIV sex in the missionary position" = not the best pickup line.)

[jesse_the_k]

AGGGGH

You did pretty well in the moment.

My spirit-of-the-staircase would have been a sophisticated, well-thought, kick in the head.

[j00j]

I am notoriously bad at noticing flirting, but if that is flirting it is really terrible flirting D: D: D: . Nothing like implying that an important part of many peoples' sex lives is irregular! And from a person I assume works in the medical field! Thanks for judging. And if he's a study coordinator he should be better at not making assumptions =P

I was at a party last weekend where someone called various kinky sex acts "perversions" (and not in the "ooh fun" sense). I am *so happy* to be back in Philly with my usual queer/queer-friendly kink-friendly crowd. Argh. ETA: And I had no idea how to respond at the time, since I wasn't exactly feeling safe or wanting to explain that he was talking about me. Later I decided I should next time make some sort of comment about how I didn't think safe and consensual things adults choose to do were perversions. skola also brought up looking for some sort of educator/advocate class-- I'm not likely to do a ton of education, but it might be useful.

[amadi]

I'm kind of the queen of l'esprit d'escalier, (and I want a pretty French tiara for it, dammit) and I tend to channel that into slightly scoldingly toned educational phone calls or letters to superiors. I'd be all over the study coordinator for this one, because that's how I roll.

I can't imagine the chilling effect on study participation that douchebag's comments could have if he said them to the wrong person.

[eggcrack]

UGH. Sleazy insensitive doctors are so much fun, eh? >_